pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
