I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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