i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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