Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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