Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
