I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
