I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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