Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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