i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
