Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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