Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
