the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
