It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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