WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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