sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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