It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
