Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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