she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
