Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
