we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
