Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
