First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
