Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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