"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
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This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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