apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
