You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
