You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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