Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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