Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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