so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
