Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
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drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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