There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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