Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
