Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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