I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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