be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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