Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
