I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
