hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
