she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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