your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
