i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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