Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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