I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
