i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
