You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
