Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
