Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
