o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
