Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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