And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
