My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
