so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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