i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
