i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
