Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
