I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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