Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
