Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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