Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
