just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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