i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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